Choices

Tuesday was probably my most confronting transition experience thus far - a consultation with Mr Simon Ceber, who is regarded as the leading SRS practitioner in Australia. With what I imagine is common among surgeons (let alone those who perform genital reassignment), the conversation took on a very matter-of-fact, blunt tone as he described the worst of the risks associated with SRS (fistulae, sudden death from DVT, etc).

Something (probably the same thing that gives me the creeps about blood tests) about the risk of blood clots under anaesthesia and the blood loss and subsequently required blood transfusion during the procedure just renders me squeamishly uncomfortable. In fact, beyond the fears about passing and estrangement and discovery, this is the first time since beginning transition that I can remember thinking, "Things would be so much easier if only I'd been born into the right gender to begin with."

How do we know that trannies don't do what they do for the heck of it? Because no one in their right mind would subject themselves to SRS unnecessarily. Anyone suffering from grass-is-greener syndrome would have to be extremely careless to go through with SRS.

Mr Ceber did physically examine me, to gauge the potential for a successful procedure (which he thought was quite high), and though he came across as genuinely caring and professional, the experience was deeply troubling in a manner I've yet to clearly rationalise.

We also spoke about my ideas of undergoing SRS in Thailand, to which he brought up the very real practical implications of not having immediate access to medical treatment after the fact should it be required, and of the increased risks of DVT due to flying. To my mind, these, along with the generally greater psychological pressures of traveling long distances for surgery, are the biggest downsides to the Thailand route.

But it struck me as odd when Mr Ceber quite dismissively and somewhat condescendingly brushed aside the idea of seeing Dr Watanyusakul Suporn in Thailand ("I don't know much about his technique, but I know he has an impressive web site"), especially given the Thai doctor's reputation in the trans community as being one of a handful of the most up-to-date and most successful (in terms of patient satisfaction) surgeons in the field. My expectation was that someone in Mr Ceber's position would take the time to familiarise himself with the range of available SRS techniques in order to provide the best care possible to trans people, which clashed quite jarringly with his comments.

I have no doubts whatsoever about Mr Ceber's ability and experience, and the concerns he raised are ones that do worry me. What's more I recognise that there's a part of me so scared by everything that it wants me to take the easiest, most comfortable route.

But after mulling over the possibilities some, I'm still learning towards the Thailand option. You only get one chance at SRS, after which you live with the results for life, and it seems I would be remiss not to give myself the greatest potential for a satisfactory result for the sake of logistical issues. The after-care concerns would be largely addressed if I plan to stay for several weeks, during which hopefully any problems could be addressed. And while it is more costly, it isn't so prohibitively unaffordable as to be a non-option.

I think I want to go to Thailand. Heck, it's just over the border from where I was born, so it'd be sorta like returning home. Kinda.